Narcissist
Hey Soul Fam!
This week during Thankful Thursday we discussed Narcissist. We’ve all dealt with narcissist to some degree and we all carry narcissistic traits within us because in all actuality narcissism is a spectrum. In psychology there’s a scale used to evaluate this called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI), which was developed by Robert Raskin and Calvin Gall in 1979. The one thing about narcissist though is that they tend to share common character traits, but someone with actual narcissistic personality disorder is rare. Most of the people we encounter on a day to day basis exhibit narcissist traits to some degree but often don’t score high enough in the spectrum to make them fall within the parameters of the disorder.
Narcissism is characterized by a few common traits though such as: a lack of empathy for others, a need for excessive admiration, believing one to be unique and deserving of special treatment, and a grandiose sense of self-importance. Someone who exhibits these traits consistently would be considered a highly narcissistic individual.
The thing about narcissist that I have learned though that I’d like to interject with is that they tend to also be empathic. People confuse being empathic with empathy, but it isn’t one in the same nor do the two have to coincide with one another. To be an Empath is the ability to feel someone's emotions and feelings, to be able to sense that within someone. That is not to be confused with empathy which is the ability to understand and share someones feelings, often resulting in sympathizing with the person. I've come to the realization that many narcissist if not all of them are actually empaths. Narcissists tend to be able to manipulate as well as they do because they tend to feel people and that allows them to gauge their boundaries. It also allows them to pick their victims much easier. The difference between an Empath and a Narcissist is that Empaths learned to identify with the victim as children, whereas the narcissist learned to identify with their abuser.
The abuse that the Empath and the Narcissist endured tend to reflect each other, the difference was the coping method that took over and became established as children. If anything, narcissists minds are more damaged because they identify with their abuser, they tend to believe they deserved their abuse. They tend to have control issues stemming from not having any control as children who were abused. This often leads them to having fucked up self-esteem and self-worth, which they try to hide behind their superiority complex.
We also have Narcissist who were so spoiled by their mothers, that entitlement formed. Their indulgent mother set no boundaries for them and so as adults, that translates with a lack of boundaries for others. Beneath the surface though narcissist are sad ass fucking individuals who usually feel powerless and empty on the inside. Their behaviors and lashing out for control and power over others only comes from the fact that they feel as though they have zero control over themselves. They can be extremely insidious with the way they talk and move and are often extremely charming, like no one would ever fucking think that person is a narcissist. Most of them tend to hide it really well, although they aren’t all as covert with their shit. For more information about narcissist, check out this article:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201804/understanding-the-mind-narcissist
There are four different types of narcissist. The grandiose narcissist whom are usually charming, attention seeking extroverts. The vulnerable narcissists are covert as fuck and those are the ones who shy away from attention and do their dirt behind closed doors. The communal narcissist is the kind who wants to be seen as super kind and giving but it’s all in the name of vain selfishness. Last but not least we have malignant narcissists who tend to be the most extreme, they are paranoid, immoral, and sadistic. My parents were both narcissists. My mother was of the covert variety while my daddy was malignant and there was no doubt in anyone’s mind that he was a fucking narcissist. For the full break down and description of what these kinds of narcissist are, please check out this article:
www.psychcentral.com/lib/4-types-of-narcissism-share-this-trait#1
Talking about parents, let’s begin to go over some things about narcissistic parents. Narcissistic parenting can be especially detrimental to those of us who are sensitive empaths but understanding and healing is necessary for spiritual and psychological evolution. Some of these characteristics include trying to live vicariously through their child, marginalization, and superiority. Manipulation comes from them in various forms as well such as guilt tripping, shaming, and blaming. These parents tend to lack empathy and some of them even become jealous or possessive of their children. Whether your parent is a communal narcissist or a covert narcissist or a grandiose narcissist, the children are the ones who suffer through traumas at the hands of their parents who are often neglectful in various ways. For more information about mother and father wounds, check out my blog on inner child healing. Here’s an article that further explores the signs of a narcissistic parent.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201602/10-signs-narcissistic-parent
(The same can be said in families with a narcissistic father)
How do you deal with healing from narcissistic parents? By mourning the fact that they will never be the parent you want them to be, by accepting them for who they are, then by repairing the relationship you have with yourself. This repairing work is best done through re-parenting, where you basically give yourself everything that your parents never gave you. There will be some of us who choose not to speak to your parent(s) anymore, and that is perfectly fine. Personally, I don’t speak to my mother nor my biological father, and my daddy is now dead so I speak to him in spirit. Do not feel bad or guilty for practicing self-preservation and self-love and not allowing toxicity in your life. Not all of our parents will become aware or remorseful and sometimes we need to just save ourselves. Those of you who have parents that you can’t seem to escape though will have to learn how to set boundaries and disengage from their toxic parent whenever they start talking shit. I have some tips for this in my inner child healing blog. These articles here go more in depth into coping and surviving when you have a narcissistic parent:
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/eating-mindfully/201804/how-survive-narcissistic-mother
www.psychcentral.com/blog/coping-when-you-have-a-narcissistic-parent#1
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201408/8-ways-handle-narcissist
Children of narcissist often deal with long lasting effects of the trauma that they endured as children and adolescence, and sometimes even into adulthood. As adults you may experience some of these things such as chronic self-blame, fierce independence, parentification, PTSD, or you may become a narcissist yourself. The most interesting and insidious part of this is that children will often end up with an insecure attachment style- most often avoidant or anxious. This is SO important because our attachment style is responsible for the way we will attach to and love others in our adult lives. We will be exploring attachment styles in depth in the new year. To look into more long lasting effects of narcissistic parenting, check out this article:
Now due to our narcissistic ass parents, we will tend to attract them. This is both a lesson to us and a trigger to our inner children- our shadows so to speak. In attracting narcissist, we are triggered back to our childhoods so that we can heal from the traumas that we have endured. The problem that many of us have though is that we lack self-awareness and often end up staying in relationships with narcissist much longer than we need to. We hold onto these relationships for dear life sometimes, not realizing the parent-child conflict that it is recreating for us to heal from. Some of us repeat this cycle many times before realizing what we’ve been doing subconsciously in seeking these connections. Many of us have awakened this past year and finally realize that we are indeed dealing with narcissist.
Here are some signs that you may be dating one: they are highly charming at first, they talk about themselves all fucking day, they tend to be attention whores who feed off your compliments, they lack empathy, they don’t have many fucking friends, they are critical of you, they gaslight you to make you feel like you’re the crazy one, they don’t want to define the relationship, they always think they’re right and never apologize, they go into panic mode when you try to leave them, and when you finally done with they ass, they tend to lash out. Be aware of these signs when you are dealing with people, personally as an empath I believe that all narcissists resonate on the same levels. Personally, I can feel it in the air and I always know when I’m dealing with a narcissist, it’s like I can sense their arrogance a mile away. I always tend to get into arguments with them as well because my divine feminine refuses to bow to their bitchassness. The following article goes into these signs in depth:
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist
Now, those of us who are dealing with narcissist in our lives, whether it be familial or romantic relationships end up dealing with them trying to pull shit on us. Whether it be our parents or our mates, we tend to encounter some of these tactics when dealing with them. They can be highly manipulative, so please stay strong when dealing with them and hold your boundaries with them. The following article is by far the best and most extensive article I have ever come across that thoroughly breaks down the manipulative shit that narcissist do or say in order to psychologically mind fuck you. Some of them include: gas-lighting, projecting, nonsensical conversations, generalizations, misconstruing your thoughts or feelings, nitpicking, evading accountability through deflection, covert and overt threats, being critical of you, destructive conditioning, talking shit about you to others, stalking, love bombing then devaluation, triangulation, and baiting you to only try to play innocent. PLEASE read this article as it will greatly open up your mind as to how you may have been manipulated by others:
I hope these tips help you out Soul Fam, until next week! Sending mucho luz + amor always.
XoXo,
Luna Estrellas