Inner Child Wounds, Healing + Boundaries

Hey Soul Fam!

This week during Thankful Thursday we discussed inner childhood healing, mother/father wounds, re-parenting, tips on setting boundaries and saying no to people in our families. This is especially important now with the holidays coming up. Now is the perfect time to look into these behaviors, what they look like, how they manifest within us and our families, and how we can prepare ourselves to deal with it.

First and foremost, we’ll discuss the inner child which is a popular psychological term to define an individual’s childlike aspect. It includes what a person learned as a child, usually before puberty. The inner child is often conceived as a semi-independent subpersonality subordinate to the waking conscious mind. Now why would someone have to heal their inner child? Inner Childhood Trauma. What is this? Trauma in childhood leaves children filled with low resonating emotions such as guilt, shame, anger, and grief. This forces inner children to hide their experiences and their accompanying emotions to survive by way of the ego (your shadow side or subconscious). So, in order to survive as children, our ego will usually come in and save us from fully immersing ourselves within our emotions. While this is helpful and necessary for us as children in order to survive our environments, what develops because of this is trauma by way of mother and father wounds.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evil-deeds/200806/essential-secrets-psychotherapy-the-inner-child

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-empowerment-diary/201808/deep-secrets-and-inner-child-healing

Inner child trauma and wounding can show up within our adult lives as destructive or chaotic thought and/or behavior patterns. In order for us to evolve and balance the divine masculine and the divine feminine within us, attention must be paid to these aspects of the subconscious. This is where you will find the root to most, if not all of the behavior and thought patterns that have been holding you back in life. How does this happen though? By being made to feel unsafe or neglected as a child. Let’s go over a few family dynamics to better understand these things. I grabbed some of this info from here:

www.cptsdfoundation.org/2020/07/13/the-wounded-inner-child/

Here are some of the most common ways we were made to feel unsafe. How many can you relate to?

• You were taught that it’s not OK to have your own opinions.
• You were punished when trying to speak up or act differently.
• You were discouraged from playing or having fun.
• You weren’t allowed to be spontaneous.
• You weren’t allowed to show strong emotions such as anger or joy, or you were ONLY allowed to show anger.
• You were shamed by your parents or family members.
• You were verbally criticized or abused on a regular basis.
• You were physically abused.
• You were sexually abused.
• You were made to feel responsible for your parents and their level of happiness.
• You weren’t given physical affection, e.g. hugs, kisses, cuddles.
• You were scapegoated.

Here are the three types of childhood neglect you may have experienced:

1. Emotional Neglect

Your parents/guardians didn’t show interest in your emotional needs for love, support, protection and/or guidance. They either didn’t pay attention to you or condemned emotional expressions of need from you. The likely outcome of this was that:

• You developed low self-worth and esteem for yourself.
• You began ignoring your emotional needs.
• You learned to hide from, avoid or repress your emotions as they were associated with feelings of neglect from your childhood.
• You developed psychological or physical sicknesses connected to your inability to listen to, accept and deal with your emotions in healthy ways (e.g. emotional repression).

2. Psychological Neglect

This type of neglect was manifested in childhood by your parents/guardians who failed to listen to, embrace and nurture the person you were. As you grew older, you likely developed any variety of these symptoms:

• You developed low self-esteem issues due to forms of abuse such as ridicule, put-downs, overly high expectations, being ignored, rejected, or constantly punished.
• You developed deep-seated anger issues both from unresolved childhood trauma, and an inability to love oneself.
• You developed addictions and neurosis to create a misguided sense of comfort and safety within your life.
• You developed psychological and/or physical illnesses.
• You have problems sustaining healthy and respectful relationships.

3. Physical Neglect

At a basic and fundamental level, physical safety and nourishment are some of the most intrinsic elements of a loving relationship. We can see this in nature, with mothers and fathers nourishing their chicks, pups, and cubs with food, shelter, and protection. When this is lacking, however, the following issues can develop:

• Low self-worth resulting in physical neglect/abuse of oneself, e.g. eating disorders (anorexia, obesity), maintaining an unhealthy diet, self-harm.
• Intense safety-seeking behaviors (psychological complexes such as OCD) or extreme risk-taking behaviors (e.g. unprotected sex, obsessive daredevil feats, etc.)
• Addictions to drugs, alcohol, violence, food, etc.
• Sexual dysfunction or promiscuity (often due to sexual abuse).

Next, we’re going to go over a list of statements. Pay close attention to these signs. They will help you learn the general extent to which your inner child has been wounded and the level to which you feel unsafe in this world. The more signs you say “yes” to, the more you need to seriously consider inner child work:

• In the deepest part of me, I feel that there’s something wrong with me.
• I experience anxiety whenever contemplating doing something new.
• I’m a people-pleaser and tend to lack a strong identity.
• I’m a rebel. I feel more alive when I’m in conflict with others.
• I tend to hoard things and have trouble letting go.
• I feel guilty standing up for myself.
• I feel inadequate as a man or woman.
• I’m driven to always be a super-achiever.
• I consider myself a terrible sinner and I’m afraid of going to hell.
• I constantly criticize myself for being inadequate.
• I’m rigid and perfectionistic.
• I have trouble starting or finishing things.
• I’m ashamed of expressing strong emotions such as sadness or anger.
• I rarely get mad, but when I do, I become rageful.
• I have sex when I don’t really want to.
• I’m ashamed of my bodily functions.
• I spend too much time looking at pornography.
• I distrust everyone, including myself.
• I am an addict or have been addicted to something.
• I avoid conflict at all costs.
• I am afraid of people and tend to avoid them.
• I feel more responsible for others than for myself.
• I never felt close to one or both of my parents.
• My deepest fear is being abandoned and I’ll do anything to hold onto a relationship.
• I struggle to say “no.”

If you answered yes to ten or more of these statements, working with your inner child should be at the top of your priority list. If you answered yes to five or more of these statements, you should seriously consider reconnecting with your inner child.

Signs of Mother Wounds:

• You struggle with keeping (and holding) boundaries
• You feel lost + without passion, purpose, or identity
• You make decisions to please, impress, or get love from your mother
• You unconsciously seek mother’s approval to live adult life
• You are a people pleaser
• You’re often judgmental + critical of yourself
• You change core parts of yourself depending on who is around
• You distrust the intentions of others
• You feel guilt or shame
• You find yourself in co-dependent relationships due to your fear of being alone
• You wait for permission or validation from others
• You struggle to speak your truth or express your emotions
• You feel unworthy or undeserving and struggle to accept good things
• You would rather avoid conflict to keep the peace
• You feel threatened or competitive towards other women
• You dismiss your emotions as “not that bad”
• You feel responsible for your mother’s happiness
• You have a lack of love for your own body
• You shrink yourself to be loved
• You constantly compare yourself to others
• You sacrifice your wants, dreams, or desires for others
• You engage in savior behaviors- fixing, rescuing, or controlling others

Signs of Father Wounds:

• You perform or achieve in order to be loved
• You have a core belief of feeling unworthy or not deserving
• You seek validation, approval, or sense of self through other people
• You unconsciously choose partners that mimic the conflicted father-child dynamic
• You hero worship your father in order to protect yourself from acknowledged pain
• You have issues with trusting yourself or others
• You have abandonment issues and fear being left
• You tend to attract emotionally unavailable people
• You jump from relationship to relationship never fully healing in between
• You feel as though you aren’t good enough, and this can stem from your father either being way too hard on your or from your father abandoning you
• You feel as though you always want more and never happy with what you have
• You have normalized abusive relationships because you witnessed your father abusing your mother and may think that’s how relationships are supposed to be
• You have trouble setting boundaries
• You have trouble speaking your truth
• You seek relationships with partners who have the same qualities as your father
• You experience discomfort when trying to display your emotions
• You unconsciously seek your father’s approval through your adult life
• You have a desire for being seen as strong and never weak
• You have body image issues
• You are distrustful, angry, or fearful of men

Take a few moments to breathe a connect with yourself after reading all these list. Close your eyes and take a deep breathe. You may end up feeling emotional, and that is completely ok. I encourage you to take your time and go slowly, being gentle with yourself every step of the way. It’s helpful to remember that while some, or even many, of our problems stem from childhood neglect– holding grudges and blaming our parents will get us nowhere. People are victims of victims, meaning that the reason why our parents/guardians behaved the way they did was most likely because of their neglected upbringing, and their parents experienced the same traumas – and so on and so forth. This is a vicious cycle and in part what generational curses are all about.

How do we go about healing these parts of ourselves? Well, there are various methods and ways in which one can do that. I personally teach inner child meditative exercises to help people connect with their inner child, but different things work for different people. Some people like to start by writing their inner child a letter. Some people go to a therapist. Whatever method you choose doesn’t matter; what matters is that the healing gets done! Here are two articles that speak about childhood healing:

www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/inner-child-healing

www.ideapod.com/5-surprisingly-powerful-ways-to-heal-your-wounded-inner-child/

Reparenting + Mirror Work: these in my opinion will be the BIGGEST tools in your arsenal when it comes to healing your inner child.

If you haven’t read my blog yet on mirror working, you can do so here:

www.lebotanica.com/blogs/luna-estrellas-bontanica-presents-free-knowledge/self-love-mirror-work

Reparenting on the other hand is when you go on in there, into your subconscious and you begin to fill all the gaps and voids left behind by your actual parents. You build yourself up and learn to give yourself everything you never got as a child, the most important being unconditional love and acceptance. Here are a couple of articles that will get you started on your journey of parenting your inner child:

www.yourholisticpsychologist.com/what-is-reparenting-and-how-to-begin/

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/anxiety-zen/201804/learning-parent-yourself-adult

Now onto our final topic: BOUNDARIES. Boundaries are often crossed when a family dynamic is dysfunctional and end up being too differentiated or too enmeshed.

There are four levels of familial cohesion:

• Disengaged: family members maintain extreme separateness and little family loyalty
• Separated: family members experience emotional independence with some joint involvement among family members
• Connected: family members strive for emotional closeness, loyalty and joint involvement with some individuals
• Enmeshed: family members experience extreme closeness, loyalty and almost no individuality

When a family is too enmeshed:

• No one feels entitled to their own thoughts or feelings and it isn’t acceptable to have opinions or beliefs that differ from the family’s
• One person speaks for everyone
• Individual privacy is impossible
• Ambitions beyond the family are seen as disloyal
• Lack of boundaries is present
• Children are not encouraged to individuate and become emotionally independent, making the child co-dependent
• Parent intervenes in personal relationships
• Intrusive or needy relationship with parent
• Parent either overshares or demands to know all your business
• You are expected to conform to family norms and traditions
• Parents treat children as friends or confidants
• Fierce family loyalty is expected
• Guilt + shame are used to maintain the status quo
• Children will most likely end up being very mature for their age

When a family is too differentiated:

• There is no unifying hopes, dreams, or values in the family
• Little sense of belonging within family
• Feelings are denied
• Outside appearances are particularly important
• There is minimal communication

What can you do when you’re dealing with the type of family who has boundary issues? Learn how to say no and learn how to set healthy boundaries! Remember to stand strong in your power and don’t allow people to guilt or shame you for choosing yourself over toxic energy. This is a matter of self-preservation and self-love. Guilt and shame have no power here so release that shit. Here's some helpful tips and information about boundaries.

Well, I hope this was extremely informative for you and has begun awakening you to root of issues you may be currently facing or being triggered about. This isn’t an easy journey and it sure as hell isn’t easy to fundamentally break down the entire foundation you were raised on. It isn’t easy to go through the motions of your emotions. It isn’t easy breaking down walls upon walls of trauma. It isn’t easy dealing with all the shit that you had forgotten about. It isn’t easy to choose to become dedicated to yourself and your healing after you spent so many years feeling as though you weren’t worthy. It isn’t easy reprogramming your psyche and reconditioning the way you choose to receive and react to shit. While this journey isn’t an easy one, I promise you that it is absolutely worth it. One day you’ll wake up and you’ll feel renewed, the weight of the past won’t weigh you down anymore, and you’ll be able to step into the frequency of unconditional love. Remember above all to be kind to yourself on your journey, do it your way, and take it slow… as they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

Sending mucho luz + amor always.

XoXo,

Luna Estrellas